Mr. Achmed
Pimps of the world, beware! No matter how badass you think you are, there is a man in Bira who outshines you all. Mr. Achmed is his name and he makes Kool Keith look like a school girl. Sitting comfortably on the terrace of his boat-shaped restaurant with his crew, his luxurious hair almost reaching the ground, this former captain of the seas would drop truth bombs non-stop. For your benefit and education, I will share a couple of his more memorable phrases:
On karaoke ladies
“I don't pay for girls. If they find me attractive, I will sleep with them. But not pay. I'm sorry! I would be shy for myself.”
On his beautiful wife “
I love my wife only 60 percent. How can you love someone 100 percent? You wouldn't be able to love yourself. First, I love myself. I'm sorry!”
On his career as a captain
“I once took a German to the Banda islands on his small boat. Thousands of miles away. When I get there, they ask me for my captain's license. I don't have it. They told me I couldn't sail this boat to their port. I told them: 'I just did, I'm sorry!'”
Mr. Boogaard
A philosophical cat, this one. We had first met Mr. Boogaard during one of our walks in the hills of Tana Toraja, but bumped into him again on the terrace of the Sunshine guesthouse. He was one of those older gentlemen who have mastered the art of tourism to perfection: small backpack, limited planning and a relaxed attitude. Looking out at the Bira sunset - a flamboyant concoction of deep red and neon pink - he'd talk at length about the old Greeks and how memories somehow lasted longer if you didn't have words or pictures to preserve them in. Those Germans know their stuff.
Snorkeling with the locals
Not sharing a language with the locals can be frustrating if you want to know the purpose of a ritual or the name of the mysterious ingredient in your curry. But at other times this Babylonian confusion offers splendid opportunities for comic relief. For instance, you may find yourself unable to explain how a snorkel works to a carpenter from Sulawesi. “That's easy”, you say, “just show it to him.” And we did! Still, despite our and his best efforts, the poor fellow couldn't resist the urge to plunge deeper than his tube would allow. The result: disgruntled looks on his face and big smiles on mine.
Band practice
Indonesian dude: “Do you know The Cake?”
Hannelore: “I'm sorry?”
Indonesian dude: “Do you know the band The Cake? With the song I will survive?”
Hannelore: “Oh yes, I do know that song.”
Indonesian dude: “Will you sing it with us?”
Hannelore: “Sure.”
And she did. And it was loud.
Meeting a really rich guy
I'm sure most guys can relate to the following problem: your girlfriend/wife's birthday is approaching and you don't know what to buy her. You're not sure about her bra size, you already gave her a ring for her previous anniversary and you can't decide if it's OK to take her to that romantic cabin in the woods you used to rent with your ex. What to do?
Apparently, if you're a wealthy Indonesian businessman, you buy her a boat! Well, not exactly buy. You build her a boat. Well, not exactly build it yourself. You hire a team of professionals to build her the most luxurious sailing ship anyone has ever seen.
Our new Dutch friends Floor and Eva had met this particular businessman's assistant while they were looking for a police officer to report the theft of their valuables to. He offered to take them on board of the ship and we tagged along.
The business magnate himself was present when we visited the wharf and he decided to give us a personal tour. Despite his ridiculous wealth, he was a modest and amiable character. Although the ship was far from complete, you could already see it was going to be exquisite. The design of the hull was Indonesian, but the level of comfort on board would be distinctly Western: flat screen tv's, bubble baths, the works. Total cost price: 5 million dollars.
Before we left, I asked him why he had decided on a boat as a present. Why not a zebra or a Bentley? “My wife is an artist”, he said, “she likes to support local artisans this way. And when the boat will be finished, we'll be able to rent it to other people interested in our culture.” It takes a true entrepeneur to make a profit from a romantic gift. Respect!
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